Ger Tzadik (Sorta)

Monday, February 27, 2006

This Blog is a Paradox of its Creator

(Note: I go to pains to try and keep posts as outwardly directed as possible given the personal subject matter, but this one will be pretty much a "me" post. I know they can be boring, but it's seems like it could be important information to have on the blog for later readers.)

The title seems incongruous, doesn’t it? After all, the blog exists as surely as the sun in the sky, and it is being written by someone, isn’t it? That doesn’t make the statement untrue however. The fact that this even blog exists is a truly a bizarre occurrence when viewed from the chair this is being written from. It didn’t really strike me until a comment made my David Guttman caused me contrast my blog with his, and realize how strange it all was.

First, I am a very private person. It generally takes a good long while before I let people get close. Friendships in this context take a long time to incubate. Not many are let into the world of swirling thoughts that help populate the blog. It takes time, shared experiences, and a knowledge that someone will really understand the things that matter before someone is trusted enough with these innermost thoughts and ponderings.

Yet here I am; a virtual bowel movement of emotion, putting it all out onto the web for others to pour over, comment on, critique, and criticize. Why shed that comfort zone? Obviously, anonymity has replaced caution as the security blanket, but eventually I will come out of the metaphorical closet on the blog. The reason to bother with the blog is simpler: Because it’s important to get these stories out there. As other posts have mentioned, there seems to be a dearth of experiential writing out on the web for people who are looking to convert, or in the process of converting. If there’s no safe haven for these discussions, I might as well try and create it. Welcome to a Baby Grand Experiment.

The second, more personally perplexing reason is…I am not really a touchy-feely guy. Being in computers helps reinforce that. Geeks are not known for many interesting personal quirks. Over-emotional is not one of them. No, analytical thought is king. Understanding the workings of the world. Using logic to destroy bad arguments. Trying to understand and control how feelings affect your decision making. These are the things that get my blood pumping. My passions are driven by science. How boring, eh?

You’re now saying to yourself: “That’s all very nice, but why does that make this blog a paradox?” To which I say: Look at the posts! There isn’t a whole lot of discussion about cold hard facts, day to day happenings, or Talmudic though. Here I am, spilling my guts out, talking about my feelings, my hopes, my fears…to a keyboard and the entire Internet. Talk about a break from character! Is it possible to disdain yourself?

Putting away from the hyperbole for a minute, I’ll note it’s not such a great break as the above paragraphs have made it sound. Obviously, the fact that these posts have even been written suggests that I do have a fair understanding of the emotional side of life. By nature introspective, it’s unusual for that internal world to be expressed out in the open like this. It’s been very therapeutic in many ways, as many readers have surely detected by now.

Even still, if I truly step back from my writings and analyze them like I would those of another, it becomes obvious there is still something being withheld. I am not openly exposing my raw emotions here. That could never really happen without some sort of psychotic break. It’s not likely that the Web will ever really see the internal Me that only I know.

Ok now that all that boring "me" stuff is out of the way, what does this have to do with the premise of the blog? I would like to ask that the people who do read and comment continue to ask hard questions and pull no punches. If you see me avoiding a topic, call me on. It may be on purpose, it may be subconscious, or it may simply be that I never considered it. Either way, as part of the process of truly dedicating my life to God, being honest about all aspects of that life is important. This paradoxical blog is part of that process. Gimme a hand if you have a few minutes or questions, don’t be shy.

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